Untucked, unpressed, unsculpted

Sometimes ‘self’ feels otherworldly. Like something that only exists in the mirror of another person’s eyes. You are wrapped up in the tangle of others’ emotions towards you. The way they feel about me is your driving force.

He doesn’t have feelings for you? You discard everything, including the chance of friendship, and aggressively entertain new romantic prospects. He is showing interest in you? You discard your value system and bend to fit the mold of his interests; you amplify what he’s drawn to, diminishing everything else that didn’t catch his fancy, even though they are natural to you. She says you are too loud? You condense your words to a whisper. She calls you big and tall? You tuck yourself into smaller clothes and bend your knees to appear inches shorter.

When will you shift your gaze towards how you feel about you? When will perfect simply be what comes naturally to you, within the bounds of discipline and self-control? Why are you so driven by the actions and emotions of others?

Do you really want to be in this relationship? Or has God when and other stories driven you into engagement with a complete fool? Do you really want to be married for companionship, or do you just need more deeply meaningful friendships? Do you really want that career in sales, or is that your quickest shot at getting a job that has an influential ring to it?

How does your God inform your identity, if indeed you believe in the precision with which He can do this? When He’s silent and His Word is difficult to apply, like a sharp-edged peg being rammed into the gentle corners of your sense of self, or lack thereof, can he yet give you bearing?

Maybe self is otherworldly for you because you are constantly waiting for others to speak. You check your phone frantically to see if their message came in; to see if they put forth a little more emotion in their previous text. You wait to hear what they’ll say before you form a thought. You cling to their words, poring over them, re-reading them in a desperate attempt to find yourself in the words. How could you find yourself in a space where your true essence has been edited out? Who are you untucked, unpressed, unsculpted by the preferences of others? Who are you? Just who…are you?